I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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