You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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