Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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