soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
