i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
