I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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