So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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