no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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