i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
