i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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