I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
