take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
