Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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