It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
