I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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