Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
