just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I deserve this hangover.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
