my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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