i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
