respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
