If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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