I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I think I just sharted jello shots
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
