i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
