My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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