Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
