he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
