It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
nutella sex= disaster
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
