i wish my penis had a tongue
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
