The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
God I need to hump something, right now.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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