Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
