fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
