can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
