the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
