yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
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she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
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Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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