Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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