Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We have so much sex to catch up on
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
