Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
