just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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