i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
