my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Hippo gnu deer
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As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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