My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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