apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
