Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
