By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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