So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
