im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
