I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
