He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
