what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
