i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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