If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You smell like stripper and shame
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize