i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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