i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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