Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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