I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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