im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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