My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have aggressive nipples.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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