So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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